Still a lot to figure out (day 81)

Key Stats: All BG's normal. 4 shakes 1 bar no off eating. 30 minute run/walk.

I feel bad. Life is getting in the way of me getting my 60 minutes of exercise in. My son is being difficult, and I feel bad for leaving my wife home with a difficult son all last week so I think I am over compensating by making sure my wife doesn't have to deal with him alone. Of course as I look at the clock and he is staying in bed and it is only 8PM I figure I could still get some exercise in. I also think that since I mowed the lawn tonight maybe I should call today good enough. Lets see how I feel after I get writing this blog. Maybe I'll just get to bed early so that I can wake up early for my bike ride tomorrow. I plan to get up a half hour early to make sure I have time to ride before work.

Onto the topic of this post. While making dinner for the family tonight I had many bad thoughts going through my head. I wanted to eat- and keep eating. I wanted to feel stuffed. I thought about eating a pile of the bars, drinking a bunch of shakes- or having a bunch of chicken broth. I didn't feel stressed, or bored, or sad, or really any emotion I can find. I just wanted food. I just wanted to feel full. I have been dealing with that and thinking about over eating for about a week now. It started while on the road and  I thought it was just to do with being bored, but now that I am home I think it might be deeper than that. I am allowed to eat a real meal once or twice a month at this stage but had decided not to do that... maybe I should? It would let me try what salad tastes like, which is a weird thing for me to be thinking about eating. Anyone reading- have you gone through something similar? No matter what I am not going to do anything about it until after Thursday. I hope that I can figure out what is triggering this want and deal with that. Honestly now that I typed that out it would be much better for me in the long run to figure this out than it would be to eat something- no matter how healthy.

It really hit home for today, with all of the celebration of being smaller, and all of the exercise I am adding in- I still feel like I am not closer to figuring out why I ate the way I did- and how to not eat that way after this is done. For all of the times I have written that I can do this when it comes down to it I really don't know how I am going to do it. Will I always have to fight temptation? Can I find a healthy way to give into temptation? Do non-over-eaters have to think about dealing with temptation? I know from the past that just losing weight doesn't mean I will keep the weight off. I have to figure this out. I have to "fix" what is broken in me. It is just hard to get to the root when the broken part is what I need working to figure out how to fix it. And maybe fix it isn't the right way to go about this- but that is what I do I fix. I used to do it for a living. Not having anything to fix is really the part of my current job that I miss the most. So I have to fix me. I have to fix nearly 30 years of bad habits. I have to fix nearly 30 years of being fat. Why am I surprised that I don't have it figured out 81 days in? I guess when you look at it that way it is kind of silly to be stressing out over.

For my benefit here is what I know now that I never knew before I started this. I really can say no to treats. My stomach really will tell me when to eat, and when not to eat. Most of the time in the past when I felt hungry it was really a craving. Not being fat feels great. I don't have to live with a disease that will age me faster than I should. I can be healthy. I can be a person who is happy in his own body. I can be a person who looks in the mirror and sees his true self. I can do this.

-Jon