90 days (day 90)

No key stats to post- it is 5:30 in the morning. I normally post at the end of the day, not the beginning but it feels right to post this now.

I had a nightmare last night- woke up feeling horrible because of it. The dream started simple enough, I was at work and it was a mix of people I used to work with, people I went to high school with, people I currently work with, and it was at my current job. Some one brought in treats, small chocolate chip cookies and brownies with mint frosting. Those little cookies were always so easy to over eat on. Since there was a bunch of them in a container you could eat a bunch of them and never have it stand out. They were small so no one would see you eating them for long. I could put a bunch of them down and never feel like I was being seen eating a bunch. And in this dream- I did. I ate and ate and ate. Then during the dream it occurred to me that this ruined all the hard work I had been doing. I wanted to cry, I felt a a sadness and a disappointment in myself that I never wanted to feel. It felt so real, the eating, the taste, and then the feelings of failure. I never want to feel that.

I am so happy to say that after 90 days on this plan the only off eating I can talk about is eating that happened in a dream. I have come so far and have so far to go still. But I can do it.

Before this all started my wife and I talked a lot about what to do and how to do it. I didn't think the shakes or bars were going to work for me. I just could not see how eating so little each day would keep me from eating what I should not eat. I didn't think I would have the will power to eat what I was supposed to. After all, I had never been able to in the past. So in my head I thought the only route for me was surgery. I honestly thought I would never be able to change my thought process and I would need my physical body changed if I was ever going to lose weight and keep it off. My wife was against this plan. She wanted me to not have the surgery, and believed I could make the changes I needed to. I promised her I would give this plan 100%, and if it failed (and I thought when it failed not if) then we could look into the surgery. To make sure I was doing it 100%, and I promised my wife 100% I decided to write, and exercise, and work my hardest to always eat what I should. I really never thought I would be here 90 days out as happy as I am. 90 days out this successful, and this changed. I always end these blogs with I can do it- but I have to be honest, I couldn't have done it, and I can't do it without my wife and all of the help she give me. Thank you Brianna for pushing me to do this 100%, encouraging me the whole way, and supporting me in all the exercise and the time away that means. I really can do this, but not without you.

-Jon