Key Stats: All BG's normal. 4 shakes 1 bar each day, no off eating. No formal exercise.
So I feel kind of bad about the amount of time I have written only every other day lately. I'll give the excuse that is was because I was on the road and wore out and hope you accept that. This week has been really hard on me. It is deployment time for a radio system I help design and I was onsite making sure it all went smoothly. That meant getting on the road most mornings by 4:30 AM, and not getting back to the hotel until nearly 7 PM. This killed my energy to self reflect, and my energy to write. I plan to get back on program with that starting tomorrow. Though I don't think I will be exercising tomorrow morning since I won't get home until nearly 11, but maybe I will.
As I have been traveling today I have been reading the book The Rules of "Normal" Eating. The book has rang true for me in a number of places, but it is off in one way that keeps standing out to me. The author keeps talking about people feeling bad about themselves or having poor self image when they were over weight. She (the author) using those bad feelings as something you have to turn around in order to become a "normal" eater. What doesn't work so well for me though is that I don't remember feeling bad about how I looked. I was never depressed about being over weight, and honestly when I looked in the mirror I didn't see the fat person I was in the mirror I would just see me with no thought to that. Have I just blocked out how I felt? I never liked looking at pictures of myself because I would then notice how fat I was, so maybe that was how I blocked it. But I was and am a happy person. A jolly fat man if you will. Is there depression I hid my being the jolly fat man? Did I spin a lie for myself so well that I just didn't let myself feel depression? Do you have to be depressed to be an emotional eater?
I certainly am a emotional eater. I told the head shrink when I started this program that I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad, I eat when stressed, I eat when relaxed. I use an feeling as an excuse to eat. I am assuming that was because I used the food as a way to feel happier. What mode doesn't need a bit of happiness added in? I am at a bit of a loss because all of the ways the author describes people eating to deal with depression match ways I would eat. I would get an entire tube of cinnamon roles cook them and eat them as fast as I could. She described nearly that same thing as a way to say if you make the food disappear quickly you are making your feelings disappear quickly. This is why I write this blog. I think I found my answer as I was fixing a bunch of spelling mistakes. I didn't eat because I was depressed, I have gone through grief certainly (you can read about the grief I have been through at another blog I have written but have not written on in awhile at choosydadschooseskippy) but I was never depressed. No the feeling I was trying to put away was a feeling of inadequacy. I think I need to find out were that is coming from and deal with that in order to get healthy.
So back onto the jolly fat man thing. I have used self deprecating humor for such a long time, specifically joking about being a jolly fat man that I am honestly a bit worried about what I will do when I get to a healthier weight. I know that is probably not a normal thing to be worried about, but I really am. I learned to make the fat joke before anyone else could was a way to make sure no one ever hurt me. I hate that this still sticks out in my mind but I can clearly remember from 4th grade when I was first called Jonafat (instead of Jonathon or Jona"thin" if you will). 4th grade and I can still tell you were I was standing in the room and were the two people who said it to me were standing. I can damn near tell you what they where wearing. Why shit like that stays with me I have no idea. But there it is.
Well enough hard stuff to write for the night. I am going to go back to the book and keep reading. I think I'll have to read it again and replace depression with inadequacy and maybe get more out of it. I like that the book tells me to do something I have already started, to celebrate accomplishments no matter how small, and to keep a positive attitude. Well, the end of my hell month of being on the road is over. I have not once eaten off the program on the road, or in the 42 days I have been on the program. I look better than I have looked in a long time, my clothes are super loose on me, my ring has been sized down 3.5 sizes and is starting to get loose again, I feel good, I am noticing the changes in my body, and you know what I can do this.
-Jon
No comments:
Post a Comment