I found a great article on bariactric eating. Called Post Op Myths. If you have had surgery, or are considering surgery I recommend reading it. From the article I picked up a new term that I will be using moving forward.
The term they used to talk about eating before surgery is fatbrain. Fatbrain tells you to eat when you are not hungry, fatbrain tells you it is ok to eat the food you know you shouldn't, fatbrain wants to kill you. Ok the kill you part was not in the article, but it is true.
After I lost weight on the VLCD diet my fatbrain really worked a number on me. It convinced me that I could eat foods between meals because my meals where so healthy, and I was exercising so much. My fatbrain made me hungry, hungry at all times.
After surgery it turns out my fatbrain is still around. I guess that is not too surprising, the doctor did surgery on my stomach, not my brain. The tool that surgery gave me is powerful though, I know easily that the cravings that I am having are fatbrain cravings. They come from smelling certain foods, and doing certain activities.
Fatbrain started working on me hard yesterday. I would normally get snack food for long car rides. Gummy worms, combos, diet Mt. Dew, chocolates, really anything. None of it good, and none of it needed. So while driving yesterday fatbrain told me it was ok to stop and get something. I've lost almost 40 pounds, a small treat wouldn't mess my weight up. Sure eating it would be hard, but I could figure it out. Just small bites, lost of chewing... no one would know. It would be ok.
I didn't have the term for it yesterday but it helps me now to call that inner voice Fatbrain. I don't care if I am ever skinny, I just want to be healthy. However I know I never want to be fat again.
I made an appointment with a counselor that I hope works out well for me. I think I will be seeing a counselor for awhile to figure out good ways to deal with fatbrain. I wonder do healthy people have a fatbrain that they just know how to not listen to? Will fatbrain ever go away, or at least get quieter in my head?
Feel free to comment about your experiences with fatbrain if you have ever dealt with it.
-Jon
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Fear of Failure
I can not shake a feeling today. I have been thinking about failure. Part of it was triggered from being part of an online facebook support group for Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. There is everything from big success stories to pre-op patients, and of note for this post failures.
I knew the success rate for the surgery was not 100%. I think in the medical world there is no such thing as 100% effective. It is just previous to joining these support groups I had never heard of anyone not being successful.
So I'll break down the reasons for failure from what I have gathered from posts. First off the failures are far far far outnumbered by the successes. At nearly 10 to 1. So it seems the failures come from people giving up on the diets assigned to us "sleevers." I guess maybe that is what scares me the most because keeping to the diet for the long term has always been my biggest issue.
The sleeve as we where told in class and in appointments is only a tool. It is a powerful tool, but one that we have to use properly. If I choose to start grazing and eating junk food again, I can make the tool not work. The trouble is I crave the junky food, all the time, and have always been able to eat all day long.
So what I am doing to deal with this fear? Well first of all I am working on finding a counselor to talk to. I think finding comfort in food is something that I will need to replace. Second the surgery at least for now is really helping me deal with being able to eat all the time. If I am drinking my water like I have to to keep hydrated eating is almost a chore because I have no room. Third- and almost the most important part is dedication.
I am going to be dedicated to this. I had my body permanently altered in order to be healthy. I am told to focus on protein first, so I am going to do that. I am told to limit my carbs, and I am going to do that. I have found a good app on my phone for tracking my food. I have set my daily goals to not be a calorie goal, but instead a macronutriant goal. I am going to stay dedicated to entering every bit of food I put in my mouth and make sure I am meeting my goals and not exceeding them. This of course means setting achievable goals, which I plan to work with the dietitian on.
I know this is a long road and I am barely on the first step. Right now the road looks like it goes straight up a mountain and I really have no idea if the road ever levels out. However I started on this path and I am committed to walking it. I am sure there will be days that I stray off the path. There will be time I fall down and go backwards... but I am going to walk this path.
-Jon
I knew the success rate for the surgery was not 100%. I think in the medical world there is no such thing as 100% effective. It is just previous to joining these support groups I had never heard of anyone not being successful.
So I'll break down the reasons for failure from what I have gathered from posts. First off the failures are far far far outnumbered by the successes. At nearly 10 to 1. So it seems the failures come from people giving up on the diets assigned to us "sleevers." I guess maybe that is what scares me the most because keeping to the diet for the long term has always been my biggest issue.
The sleeve as we where told in class and in appointments is only a tool. It is a powerful tool, but one that we have to use properly. If I choose to start grazing and eating junk food again, I can make the tool not work. The trouble is I crave the junky food, all the time, and have always been able to eat all day long.
So what I am doing to deal with this fear? Well first of all I am working on finding a counselor to talk to. I think finding comfort in food is something that I will need to replace. Second the surgery at least for now is really helping me deal with being able to eat all the time. If I am drinking my water like I have to to keep hydrated eating is almost a chore because I have no room. Third- and almost the most important part is dedication.
I am going to be dedicated to this. I had my body permanently altered in order to be healthy. I am told to focus on protein first, so I am going to do that. I am told to limit my carbs, and I am going to do that. I have found a good app on my phone for tracking my food. I have set my daily goals to not be a calorie goal, but instead a macronutriant goal. I am going to stay dedicated to entering every bit of food I put in my mouth and make sure I am meeting my goals and not exceeding them. This of course means setting achievable goals, which I plan to work with the dietitian on.
I know this is a long road and I am barely on the first step. Right now the road looks like it goes straight up a mountain and I really have no idea if the road ever levels out. However I started on this path and I am committed to walking it. I am sure there will be days that I stray off the path. There will be time I fall down and go backwards... but I am going to walk this path.
-Jon
Monday, April 4, 2016
Food Dreams
I find that the most common dream for me now involves food. Always over eating, and always eating things I really should not be eating. I have had 3 very vivid food dreams. The first one was while I was still in the hospital and I can not recall what it was I was eating. The second one was a dream involving people I knew in high school and since no one knew I have had surgery I ordered and eat a large pizza by myself. The last one was at work and I sneaked in 3 doughnuts, even hiding in the bathroom so I could eat it without being caught.
Outside of my dreams I have had cravings to eat. While putting away the cheese from my wife and daughters lunch I had a huge urge to eat a piece of cheese. I even in my mind worked out how it would be perfectly fine for me to do this. When I am around food that smells good I can almost taste it in my mouth.
How do I deal with this? The dreams I assume with be a part of me for awhile as my mind gets used to not being able to have what ever I want whenever I want. The eating any food around me part will be harder. Certainly I will not be able to fit as much in as before but I still will need to keep this in check somehow.
I plan to make an appointment to talk to the psychiatrist that I talked to pre-surgery. I think I really have much to work through with gratification, and eating my feelings. I will need to find a new way to relieve stress, a new way to think about food, and a new way to be happy or sad without food. Food is ever present, and I cannot stop eating.
On an ironic note right now while writing this I am watching Chopped on the Food Network and filling completely stuffed after eating a sugar free Jello Cup. Maybe I am going to need to find new things to watch on TV also.
-Jon
Outside of my dreams I have had cravings to eat. While putting away the cheese from my wife and daughters lunch I had a huge urge to eat a piece of cheese. I even in my mind worked out how it would be perfectly fine for me to do this. When I am around food that smells good I can almost taste it in my mouth.
How do I deal with this? The dreams I assume with be a part of me for awhile as my mind gets used to not being able to have what ever I want whenever I want. The eating any food around me part will be harder. Certainly I will not be able to fit as much in as before but I still will need to keep this in check somehow.
I plan to make an appointment to talk to the psychiatrist that I talked to pre-surgery. I think I really have much to work through with gratification, and eating my feelings. I will need to find a new way to relieve stress, a new way to think about food, and a new way to be happy or sad without food. Food is ever present, and I cannot stop eating.
On an ironic note right now while writing this I am watching Chopped on the Food Network and filling completely stuffed after eating a sugar free Jello Cup. Maybe I am going to need to find new things to watch on TV also.
-Jon
Sunday, April 3, 2016
My wife- My Rock
I have to write this blog post but I honestly don't know where to start. I guess the beginning is a good place.
Before I did VLCD I wanted to do surgery. My wife was not on board with surgery. She wanted me to try everything before I surgically altered my body. I think she worried about a regimented life of eating, as she had to endure that herself because of her Type 1 Diabetes.
After doing the VLCD diet and being very successful in losing weight I quickly gained weight. My wife fought for me to keep the weight off and tried very hard to make me successful. It just wasn't enough. In some ways during this time we started to despise each other.
She rightfully thought I was not doing enough to ensure my health for the sake of myself and my family. And I was bitter that she had kept me from doing the one thing I thought would help me.
I eventually decided I needed to make the change and move forward with surgery. In a way I decided I was going to do this with or without her help. I honestly thought it would be without her help. I never took the time to try and understand why she wasn't on the same page as me. I never tried to see it from her point of view.
In ways I can't explain we did get onto the same page. Not without some fighting and hurt feelings on both sides, but we got there. And that brings me really to the point of this post-I could not have done this without her.
I could and will talk about all of the tracking and schedule making she has done for me, but honestly those things I could have done. I could talk about how she drove me to the hospital and was at my side, while also taking care of our kids. But those things are not what it is.
It is the little things. She keeps encouraging me to do the right things. She makes sure all of my needs are taken care of. When I am hit by a wave of nausea she knows to just let that pass. When I need sleep she lets me sleep. When I need to walk she lets me walk. At times I have to leave her 100% in charge of the children and focus only on me, and she understands that and allows it to happen when it needs to. I promise to never abuse this privilege.
It was a long and strange journey as a couple for us to get to this point, but often times in our lives together that is just how we work. I think from all of this we will be a stronger couple. I know it has made me reevaluate how much I need and trust her.
-Jon
Before I did VLCD I wanted to do surgery. My wife was not on board with surgery. She wanted me to try everything before I surgically altered my body. I think she worried about a regimented life of eating, as she had to endure that herself because of her Type 1 Diabetes.
After doing the VLCD diet and being very successful in losing weight I quickly gained weight. My wife fought for me to keep the weight off and tried very hard to make me successful. It just wasn't enough. In some ways during this time we started to despise each other.
She rightfully thought I was not doing enough to ensure my health for the sake of myself and my family. And I was bitter that she had kept me from doing the one thing I thought would help me.
I eventually decided I needed to make the change and move forward with surgery. In a way I decided I was going to do this with or without her help. I honestly thought it would be without her help. I never took the time to try and understand why she wasn't on the same page as me. I never tried to see it from her point of view.
In ways I can't explain we did get onto the same page. Not without some fighting and hurt feelings on both sides, but we got there. And that brings me really to the point of this post-I could not have done this without her.
I could and will talk about all of the tracking and schedule making she has done for me, but honestly those things I could have done. I could talk about how she drove me to the hospital and was at my side, while also taking care of our kids. But those things are not what it is.
It is the little things. She keeps encouraging me to do the right things. She makes sure all of my needs are taken care of. When I am hit by a wave of nausea she knows to just let that pass. When I need sleep she lets me sleep. When I need to walk she lets me walk. At times I have to leave her 100% in charge of the children and focus only on me, and she understands that and allows it to happen when it needs to. I promise to never abuse this privilege.
It was a long and strange journey as a couple for us to get to this point, but often times in our lives together that is just how we work. I think from all of this we will be a stronger couple. I know it has made me reevaluate how much I need and trust her.
-Jon
Long-Term Consistency Trumps Short Term Intensity
The quote from Bruce Lee "Long-Term Consistency Trumps Short Term Intensity" played a part in my day today.
I was having a really good day. I had heard about post surgical patients gaining a bunch of energy and today I really experienced it. And I used that energy. I used it with some good old short term intensity. Then I payed for it.
My first walk of the day was a nice 1.8 mile lap around my neighborhood. I took around 30 minutes and while I was never pushing myself, I tried to keep my pace good and not stop to look at things. When I got home I felt great, and was really proud of myself. I felt I could do at least twice that much still today if I wanted. So I tried.
My son and I went for a big 2-mile walk. We didn't walk fast; we stopped to look at things. We in general had a good time on the walk. When I got back I was spent though (so was my son). I had officially over done it. In no time my stomach was twitching and giving me strong waves of nausea. Side pain kicked in. So I had to take pain killers and the stronger set of anti-nausea medicine.
Will this carry over into tomorrow? I don't think so, but I do worry it will. Since I had to take pain medicine that is another 24 hours before I can drive again. I learned today that hard lesson told by Bruce Lee...
-Jon
I was having a really good day. I had heard about post surgical patients gaining a bunch of energy and today I really experienced it. And I used that energy. I used it with some good old short term intensity. Then I payed for it.
My first walk of the day was a nice 1.8 mile lap around my neighborhood. I took around 30 minutes and while I was never pushing myself, I tried to keep my pace good and not stop to look at things. When I got home I felt great, and was really proud of myself. I felt I could do at least twice that much still today if I wanted. So I tried.
My son and I went for a big 2-mile walk. We didn't walk fast; we stopped to look at things. We in general had a good time on the walk. When I got back I was spent though (so was my son). I had officially over done it. In no time my stomach was twitching and giving me strong waves of nausea. Side pain kicked in. So I had to take pain killers and the stronger set of anti-nausea medicine.
Will this carry over into tomorrow? I don't think so, but I do worry it will. Since I had to take pain medicine that is another 24 hours before I can drive again. I learned today that hard lesson told by Bruce Lee...
-Jon
Sunday, March 27, 2016
A new chapter in my weight loss journey
It has been a long time since I wrote on this blog. After the VLCD diet and journey, I regained all of my weight and possibly a little more. I learned again that I am a rock star at losing weight but suck at keeping weight off. So I decided a new path was needed.
Today I am over 7 months into the journey of bariatric surgery. While it has been nearly 7 months for the journey I am nearing what feels like day 1. On Thursday, March 31, I will be undergoing vertical sleeve gastrectomy.
Hang with me and I'll try to answer the 5 W's.
Who:
Well me of course.
What:
Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy is a form of bariatric surgery that removes a large portion of the stomach. The portion removed helps to restrict how much food can be eaten at one time, plus it helps re-balance the hormone levels in the body. After surgery many patients no longer require medicine for high blood pressure or type 2 diabetes-two conditions I am affected by. Here is a good video you can watch to see the basic parts of it.
When:
As said before I will be having surgery on March 31, 2016.
Where:
Unity Point Weight Loss in Des Moines Iowa. It is a certified Center of Excellence for bariatric surgery.
Why:
Well I guess this is the most important part isn't it? As I have written about in the past I have been overweight my entire life. As I have written about before I can lose weight. I am good at that. What I have learned from years of trying to keep weight off is that I am not good at keeping weight off. The more I have looked into this, the more I have found out that I am really quite normal. Over 90% of people who lose significant weight gain it back. This changes with surgery.
In ways that are not fully understood people who have weight loss surgery keep the weight off at a much higher rate than those who do not have surgery. In fact at the 10 year mark the large majority of people keep off 50% of the excess weight.
I know that my weight is going to limit my life span, and the quality of life. I need to make a change, a permanent lasting change, if I want a different outcome. A permanent change is needed. Read this blog, all 110+ posts of it; I've reached the end of non-surgical methods.
Conculsion:
I'll post more as time goes on and try to keep this updated. Thank you for reading.
Today I am over 7 months into the journey of bariatric surgery. While it has been nearly 7 months for the journey I am nearing what feels like day 1. On Thursday, March 31, I will be undergoing vertical sleeve gastrectomy.
Hang with me and I'll try to answer the 5 W's.
Who:
Well me of course.
What:
Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy is a form of bariatric surgery that removes a large portion of the stomach. The portion removed helps to restrict how much food can be eaten at one time, plus it helps re-balance the hormone levels in the body. After surgery many patients no longer require medicine for high blood pressure or type 2 diabetes-two conditions I am affected by. Here is a good video you can watch to see the basic parts of it.
When:
As said before I will be having surgery on March 31, 2016.
Where:
Unity Point Weight Loss in Des Moines Iowa. It is a certified Center of Excellence for bariatric surgery.
Why:
Well I guess this is the most important part isn't it? As I have written about in the past I have been overweight my entire life. As I have written about before I can lose weight. I am good at that. What I have learned from years of trying to keep weight off is that I am not good at keeping weight off. The more I have looked into this, the more I have found out that I am really quite normal. Over 90% of people who lose significant weight gain it back. This changes with surgery.
In ways that are not fully understood people who have weight loss surgery keep the weight off at a much higher rate than those who do not have surgery. In fact at the 10 year mark the large majority of people keep off 50% of the excess weight.
I know that my weight is going to limit my life span, and the quality of life. I need to make a change, a permanent lasting change, if I want a different outcome. A permanent change is needed. Read this blog, all 110+ posts of it; I've reached the end of non-surgical methods.
Conculsion:
I'll post more as time goes on and try to keep this updated. Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Starting Training
Today was my first day in training. I will be running the Berbee Derby thanksgiving. This will be the first running event I have ever done, and is the first thing in a path that I plan to have lead into a Triathlon. I need a goal to work towards in order to be in the right frame of mind, so this is my goal.
In order to train I joined the No Boundaries 5k running program. Tonight was the first day of the training. I am surprised at how well I did. I really thought I would be at the back of the pack- but I surprised myself and was really above average. I joked as I finished that since I was one of the first of my group back I really "won". It felt good to be well- good.
Of course now I am sitting at home sore, but I am sure that will get better. I'll be writing here about my journey to running my first event, and my eventual journey towards doing at tri. It won't be an everyday writting event like it was on the weight loss, but I will write a few times a week.
-Jon
In order to train I joined the No Boundaries 5k running program. Tonight was the first day of the training. I am surprised at how well I did. I really thought I would be at the back of the pack- but I surprised myself and was really above average. I joked as I finished that since I was one of the first of my group back I really "won". It felt good to be well- good.
Of course now I am sitting at home sore, but I am sure that will get better. I'll be writing here about my journey to running my first event, and my eventual journey towards doing at tri. It won't be an everyday writting event like it was on the weight loss, but I will write a few times a week.
-Jon
Monday, July 15, 2013
Getting back on track
It has been awhile since I wrote here, and I think that is partly to blame for why I have to write this blog post.
Shortly after I stopped writing, I started to drift. It was small things at first, a few raisins here, some extra fruit in my greek yogurt there- then it turned into eating donuts again, and cookies, and candy. To say I fell off the wagon would be an understatement. I stopped tracking what food I was eating, I didn't get back to writing, and I fell back into the old habits that I had been working so hard to replace.
It all started with a simple thought- I can handle this. I thought I could have a bit extra outside of my program, enjoy myself some, and be in control. After all I did 110 days of complete control. I was wrong. Very very wrong.
But I am back on program, and back doing what I need to be doing. I guess I needed that time straying to know that I really can't not think about what I am eating. I really can't just be "normal" or what ever that means. I wrote it in this blog some time ago, and I just wanted it to not be true- but I can not be a person who doesn't think about food. I can not be a person who can just coast and eat well. Maybe some day far in the future that will be me- but for now it is not.
I will be writing here more often. Maybe not every day, and I don't know what the topic will be each day. I think I will start posting some of the good recipes I have tried, and I will certainly be talking about temptation. I hope to post more and more about winning like I used to. I am back to two days in a row of winning. I thought I had this figured out, I thought I had done this. I have to keep finding a way to do this. I have to keep working hard. I can find a way to make my statement true- I can do this. I guess I just don't know how to do it as well as I thought I did.
-Jon
Shortly after I stopped writing, I started to drift. It was small things at first, a few raisins here, some extra fruit in my greek yogurt there- then it turned into eating donuts again, and cookies, and candy. To say I fell off the wagon would be an understatement. I stopped tracking what food I was eating, I didn't get back to writing, and I fell back into the old habits that I had been working so hard to replace.
It all started with a simple thought- I can handle this. I thought I could have a bit extra outside of my program, enjoy myself some, and be in control. After all I did 110 days of complete control. I was wrong. Very very wrong.
But I am back on program, and back doing what I need to be doing. I guess I needed that time straying to know that I really can't not think about what I am eating. I really can't just be "normal" or what ever that means. I wrote it in this blog some time ago, and I just wanted it to not be true- but I can not be a person who doesn't think about food. I can not be a person who can just coast and eat well. Maybe some day far in the future that will be me- but for now it is not.
I will be writing here more often. Maybe not every day, and I don't know what the topic will be each day. I think I will start posting some of the good recipes I have tried, and I will certainly be talking about temptation. I hope to post more and more about winning like I used to. I am back to two days in a row of winning. I thought I had this figured out, I thought I had done this. I have to keep finding a way to do this. I have to keep working hard. I can find a way to make my statement true- I can do this. I guess I just don't know how to do it as well as I thought I did.
-Jon
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I am doing this
It has been awhile since I wrote in this blog, well a few days at least. I have decided to change the focus of what I write here and I have been trying to figure out what that focus should be. It will certainly have to do with my healthy eating- which is going great. It will also certainly have to do with my exercise, and my goal of completing some race type event. However it is just not the daily struggle that full VLCD was any more. I just don't have something to write every day. So I guess this is my transition blog post- it is fitting since I am in transition right now for the VLCD program.
Thank you to every who has read or is reading. Thanks to everyone who has supported me while in the shakes and bars portion of this journey. I'll need more support in the future. But writing this blog, and going through the journey I have gone through has taught me that most important lesson that I needed in life- I can do this.
-Jon
Thank you to every who has read or is reading. Thanks to everyone who has supported me while in the shakes and bars portion of this journey. I'll need more support in the future. But writing this blog, and going through the journey I have gone through has taught me that most important lesson that I needed in life- I can do this.
-Jon
Monday, June 10, 2013
Back on schedule (day 115 and 116)
Key stats: 3 shakes 1 bar, and 1 meal with 2 cups veggies and 4 oz of protein. 60 minutes exercise each day.
Back on schedule. It works as the title of the blog and as the first sentance. The schedule I refer to is of course exercise. It was missing from my schedule in too large of an extent for too long. Really happy to be back at it. The ride this morning really made me feel good.
Adding foods in has been a bit nerve racking. I have to do a lot more planning, and a lot more thinking than with the shakes and bars. But it is doable. So far salads have been my most common meal. I am not sure when I will get over the shock of enjoying salads but for now each one is a surprise when I enjoy it. With each one I really try to add new veggies that I have never had before. Today I added in raddish. I was not a huge fan of them the way I had them, but I think they would be better shaved instead of in larger chips. So I'll get them for home and make them that way.
Tomorrow starts a new week for transition and a new food. I get to add dairy and a healthy fat. I'll also be dropping one shake. Each week is a new challenge and new foods. Each week shows me more and more that I really can do this.
-Jon
Back on schedule. It works as the title of the blog and as the first sentance. The schedule I refer to is of course exercise. It was missing from my schedule in too large of an extent for too long. Really happy to be back at it. The ride this morning really made me feel good.
Adding foods in has been a bit nerve racking. I have to do a lot more planning, and a lot more thinking than with the shakes and bars. But it is doable. So far salads have been my most common meal. I am not sure when I will get over the shock of enjoying salads but for now each one is a surprise when I enjoy it. With each one I really try to add new veggies that I have never had before. Today I added in raddish. I was not a huge fan of them the way I had them, but I think they would be better shaved instead of in larger chips. So I'll get them for home and make them that way.
Tomorrow starts a new week for transition and a new food. I get to add dairy and a healthy fat. I'll also be dropping one shake. Each week is a new challenge and new foods. Each week shows me more and more that I really can do this.
-Jon
Saturday, June 8, 2013
More new foods (day 113 and 114)
Key Stats: 3 shakes 1 bar and Cedar Plank Salmon with green beans on day 113, with 30 minute swim and a 40 minute walk. 3 shakes, 1 bar and ham steak with fire roasted veggies, 3 hours of canoeing.
Sorry for the missed post yesterday. It is getting harder to write these blogs posts since I am running out of things to talk about.
Here are pictures of the two meals I mentioned above. I loved both of them.
Sorry for the missed post yesterday. It is getting harder to write these blogs posts since I am running out of things to talk about.
Here are pictures of the two meals I mentioned above. I loved both of them.
Both where new territory for me. First the fish- I've never made fish before. The second one was all the veggies on the grill. The best part of keeping to a plate style dinner- I can not eat fast. It takes forever to eat 2 cups of veggies. You can not do it fast. I think one of my big problems before was eating so fast all of the time that I never got the full feeling. Now I need to keep that in mind and not work on eating faster.
I also switched to a new brand of shakes today. I still have a bit of the old shakes to finish off, but I love my new shakes. The flavor is cookies and cream and it is so much thiner than what I was drinking. It was refreshing. I am really finding that eating healthy can fit into my life. I really can find a way to eat healthy and enjoy it. I really can do this.
-Jon
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Trying new foods (day 112)
Key Stats: 3 shakes 1 bar, 1 salad. No formal exercise.
I am trying all sorts of new foods. New foods for today are cherry tomato, artichoke hearts, and orange pepper. The tomato was not that good, the artichoke heart I think would be better cooked, and the pepper was good. Oh I guess I also tried spring mix lettuce and spinach. Both were great.
Still in a bit of a funk for exercise. Tomorrow will be the re-start to my exercise. If the weather is nice in the morning it will be a bike ride, otherwise it will be swim before work. I really want the weather to get nice again so that I can get back out on the bike more. Taking my family for bike rides was just so much fun, but we can't really take my son to the park when the park is wet or when it is raining. I know it will get nice again, but I want it nice again now.
Weight loss for the week was crappy. Just one pound. I am not too upset about it though. I still lost weight, I added in real food, and I know part of that is lack of exercise. Next week will be a better week. I have had crappy weight loss weeks before, and I am sure I will have crappy weeks in the future. It is part of living life. I can figure out how to live life healthy, I can do this.
-Jon
I am trying all sorts of new foods. New foods for today are cherry tomato, artichoke hearts, and orange pepper. The tomato was not that good, the artichoke heart I think would be better cooked, and the pepper was good. Oh I guess I also tried spring mix lettuce and spinach. Both were great.
Still in a bit of a funk for exercise. Tomorrow will be the re-start to my exercise. If the weather is nice in the morning it will be a bike ride, otherwise it will be swim before work. I really want the weather to get nice again so that I can get back out on the bike more. Taking my family for bike rides was just so much fun, but we can't really take my son to the park when the park is wet or when it is raining. I know it will get nice again, but I want it nice again now.
Weight loss for the week was crappy. Just one pound. I am not too upset about it though. I still lost weight, I added in real food, and I know part of that is lack of exercise. Next week will be a better week. I have had crappy weight loss weeks before, and I am sure I will have crappy weeks in the future. It is part of living life. I can figure out how to live life healthy, I can do this.
-Jon
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Getting into the new groove (day 111)
Key Stats: 3 shakes, 1 bar, 1 salad. No formal exercise.
Had another salad tonight. No reason to put a picture up since it was an exact copy of what I had last night sans mushrooms as we had none. I am really enjoying salad which is just such an odd thing to type. I still look forward to adding in some tasty dressings when I get a chance.
No real exercise today, had something taking up my time in the morning after my wife woke up, rain during lunch, and today is my wife's night out to get a massage. So I'll get back at it tomorrow. I have been taking too many breaks lately from exercise so I need to turn that back around. It has really been hard though with feeling crappy. I think that eating has started to turn that lack of energy around.
Bringing food back into the mix has also brought an old enemy back- temptation. I had been thinking that I could just skip a few weeks in the transition- hell I could handle it no problem. Glad I didn't act on anything like that. Also glad to face the temptation while in the bubble still. I still have a very detailed plan, I am still in ketosis, so I know this hunger has to be coming from my head and no were else. I have faced down the temptation for today- so I can do it tomorrow. And the day after that and after that- I can do this.
-Jon
Had another salad tonight. No reason to put a picture up since it was an exact copy of what I had last night sans mushrooms as we had none. I am really enjoying salad which is just such an odd thing to type. I still look forward to adding in some tasty dressings when I get a chance.
No real exercise today, had something taking up my time in the morning after my wife woke up, rain during lunch, and today is my wife's night out to get a massage. So I'll get back at it tomorrow. I have been taking too many breaks lately from exercise so I need to turn that back around. It has really been hard though with feeling crappy. I think that eating has started to turn that lack of energy around.
Bringing food back into the mix has also brought an old enemy back- temptation. I had been thinking that I could just skip a few weeks in the transition- hell I could handle it no problem. Glad I didn't act on anything like that. Also glad to face the temptation while in the bubble still. I still have a very detailed plan, I am still in ketosis, so I know this hunger has to be coming from my head and no were else. I have faced down the temptation for today- so I can do it tomorrow. And the day after that and after that- I can do this.
-Jon
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I ate real food (day 110)
Key Stats: 3 shakes 1 bar, 4 oz boiled chicken and two cups of salad. 30 minute walk, 30 minute swim.
Well after I wrote last nights blog I got a message from the doc. The recommendation was to start transition. So today I put that plan into action. So for dinner I boiled some chicken in chicken broth with onion and red pepper, while my wife shredded some lettuce. Then adding in cucumbers, mushrooms, red pepper, zucchini, and carrots. Here is the salad.
Well after I wrote last nights blog I got a message from the doc. The recommendation was to start transition. So today I put that plan into action. So for dinner I boiled some chicken in chicken broth with onion and red pepper, while my wife shredded some lettuce. Then adding in cucumbers, mushrooms, red pepper, zucchini, and carrots. Here is the salad.
I am 32 years old, turning 33 this month. This is the first salad I have ever eaten in my life. I can not believe I have missed out on this my entire life. Maybe it took the 109 days of just shakes and bars to make me see it but the flavor of this was amazing. This was with no dressing either. I am sure with a tasty dressing added a dinner like this could become a personal favorite. I look forward to adding more and more to a plate like this. Maybe some raisins, or orange or apple... god I am excited about salad. It was really that good.
But today started the next leg of my journey. Bringing real food back in. My fear has been that even after all the shakes and bars healthy food would not taste good. My fear was that I would go straight back to all of the unhealthy food I had been eating because it was the only thing that tasted good. My fear was not needed- dinner tonight confirmed for me... I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Feeling off (day 108 and 109)
Key Stats: 4 shakes 1 bar each day. At least 30 min exercise both days
I had to turn down the exercise in the last couple of days. For some reason my energy level has dropped significantly and has stayed dropped. And now when I stand up I get very light headed. I messaged the clinic yesterday instead of writing my blog- but got no response today. I meant to call them but with the business of work I didn't remember to call. If I don't hear anything from them by noon tomorrow I will have to start making some phone calls. I don't know what is going on with my body, but it is not happy. I have a feeling I'll be eating real food sooner than next Friday like I had planned. Also I am not losing much weight this week. I think that is from the lower activity levels.
Otherwise I am honestly doing just fine. I watched my wife eat what looked like a super tasty left over meal of the kabobs I made the other day. I am still surprised when I see vegetables looking so good. I am so excited to eat some. That just feels weird to type. But as I was looking at my wife eating the only thought I had was it needed more veggies.
This program truly has changed the way I think about food. I will need to cement those changes in for a good long time to make them permanent changes, but the foundation has been laid. I can learn how to be a healthy eater, and a healthy person. I can make the changes I need to make, and make them permanent. I can do this.
-Jon
I had to turn down the exercise in the last couple of days. For some reason my energy level has dropped significantly and has stayed dropped. And now when I stand up I get very light headed. I messaged the clinic yesterday instead of writing my blog- but got no response today. I meant to call them but with the business of work I didn't remember to call. If I don't hear anything from them by noon tomorrow I will have to start making some phone calls. I don't know what is going on with my body, but it is not happy. I have a feeling I'll be eating real food sooner than next Friday like I had planned. Also I am not losing much weight this week. I think that is from the lower activity levels.
Otherwise I am honestly doing just fine. I watched my wife eat what looked like a super tasty left over meal of the kabobs I made the other day. I am still surprised when I see vegetables looking so good. I am so excited to eat some. That just feels weird to type. But as I was looking at my wife eating the only thought I had was it needed more veggies.
This program truly has changed the way I think about food. I will need to cement those changes in for a good long time to make them permanent changes, but the foundation has been laid. I can learn how to be a healthy eater, and a healthy person. I can make the changes I need to make, and make them permanent. I can do this.
-Jon
Saturday, June 1, 2013
A good meal (day 107)
Key Stats: 4.5 shakes 1 bar, a bite of onion, red pepper, mushroom and zucchini, 45 minute bike ride.
So I guess technically I ate off today. I was feeling crappy and low energy still from yesterday and from the bike ride this morning so I made a 3 scoop shake. Then after making what I thought was a great looking dinner of kabobs I decided I had to find out what the vegetables tasted like. I am so excited to start eating- I made a healthy dinner that looked and tasted amazing. My wife wanted to add more seasoning to the mix, but for me the small bites I took of each of the vegetables was amazing flavor. I can't wait until I get to make that again- but this time for me.
I am hoping to get over this lack of energy funk I have been in for the last couple of days. I don't know if it is a combination of not sleeping, plus this long on VLCD, or what else could be contributing- but lately I have felt like crap. Maybe I am just fighting off some sort of sickness. I can't help but think my body is just done with only eating the shakes and bars. Or maybe it is all just in my head because I want to start eating real food again. Either way- I have gotten to a good weight, I have accomplished a lot on the hard core part of the diet and I really feel like I have learned a lot about my eating and the way I think about food. I feel like I am ready to learn the next part of this- how to eat in the real world. I am going to take it week by week just as the program recommends and I am going to learn everything I can during the minimum 5 weeks of transition. I am going to become a healthy eater, and I am going to stay a healthy person- I can do this.
-Jon
So I guess technically I ate off today. I was feeling crappy and low energy still from yesterday and from the bike ride this morning so I made a 3 scoop shake. Then after making what I thought was a great looking dinner of kabobs I decided I had to find out what the vegetables tasted like. I am so excited to start eating- I made a healthy dinner that looked and tasted amazing. My wife wanted to add more seasoning to the mix, but for me the small bites I took of each of the vegetables was amazing flavor. I can't wait until I get to make that again- but this time for me.
I am hoping to get over this lack of energy funk I have been in for the last couple of days. I don't know if it is a combination of not sleeping, plus this long on VLCD, or what else could be contributing- but lately I have felt like crap. Maybe I am just fighting off some sort of sickness. I can't help but think my body is just done with only eating the shakes and bars. Or maybe it is all just in my head because I want to start eating real food again. Either way- I have gotten to a good weight, I have accomplished a lot on the hard core part of the diet and I really feel like I have learned a lot about my eating and the way I think about food. I feel like I am ready to learn the next part of this- how to eat in the real world. I am going to take it week by week just as the program recommends and I am going to learn everything I can during the minimum 5 weeks of transition. I am going to become a healthy eater, and I am going to stay a healthy person- I can do this.
-Jon
Friday, May 31, 2013
Getting closer to transition (day 106)
Key Stats: 4 shakes 1 bar no off eating. 30 minutes in the pool, 30 minute walk, mowing the lawn, and riding on the bike to park with the kid in the trailer.
I think I over did it. It is 8:30 and I am dragging ass really bad right now. I think for this reason more than any other I am looking forward to starting in on real food. No more crashes like this. I probaly should add a shake in today but it is already so late in the day that I don't want to eat again.
With that in mind, I have decided that no matter what weight I get to, I start to transition next week after class. So my first real food will be Friday June 7th for dinner. It is going to be chicken on a bed of greens. The hard part starts in just under a week. I have never been this nervous about eating in my life. I have to learn all over again how to eat. I have to teach myself to eat foods I have never eaten before. I watched online how to cook fish; something I have never done.
It all feels a bit overwhelming at this point, but I have confidence. I have a plan, and I have a goal. I am going to keep to the plan the same as I have in the past. I am going to keep working on my goals. I can find a way to stay healthy for the rest of my life- I CAN DO THIS!
-Jon
I think I over did it. It is 8:30 and I am dragging ass really bad right now. I think for this reason more than any other I am looking forward to starting in on real food. No more crashes like this. I probaly should add a shake in today but it is already so late in the day that I don't want to eat again.
With that in mind, I have decided that no matter what weight I get to, I start to transition next week after class. So my first real food will be Friday June 7th for dinner. It is going to be chicken on a bed of greens. The hard part starts in just under a week. I have never been this nervous about eating in my life. I have to learn all over again how to eat. I have to teach myself to eat foods I have never eaten before. I watched online how to cook fish; something I have never done.
It all feels a bit overwhelming at this point, but I have confidence. I have a plan, and I have a goal. I am going to keep to the plan the same as I have in the past. I am going to keep working on my goals. I can find a way to stay healthy for the rest of my life- I CAN DO THIS!
-Jon
Thursday, May 30, 2013
6 more pounds (day 104 and 105)
Key Stats: 4 shakes and 1 bar each day, no off eating. 30 minutes walking, 30 minutes on the exercise bike each day.
Well I am back home. Sorry for not writing yesterday, but being on the road takes me out of my routine and I forgot to write. All is good though- I stayed on routine for food.
I lost 6 pounds last week. That takes me within 9 pounds of my transition goal weight. That really means that I think this will be my last week on full VLCD. I have the materials for transition and I am really looking forward to starting that.
With that in mind- I need food cooking ideas. Please if you are reading this post some healthy recipes that you know about. Or link me to some websites with good ideas. The first week of transition is one meal per day of 4oz of lean protein and 2 cups of non-starchy vegetables. In the first week I can't add much to the food in the way of seasonings, but I'll listen to ideas. As the weeks go in for transition I get to add more stuff slowly. It is a 5 week process, and it is important to go slow with it for 2 reasons. 1.) My digestive system has not had much to do for the past 105 days 2.) Putting myself onto the slippery slope of food slowly.
I look forward to hopefully reading some ideas from people that I can incorporate into my diet. One more week of shakes and bars then I start easing back into the real world. I can do it.
-Jon
Well I am back home. Sorry for not writing yesterday, but being on the road takes me out of my routine and I forgot to write. All is good though- I stayed on routine for food.
I lost 6 pounds last week. That takes me within 9 pounds of my transition goal weight. That really means that I think this will be my last week on full VLCD. I have the materials for transition and I am really looking forward to starting that.
With that in mind- I need food cooking ideas. Please if you are reading this post some healthy recipes that you know about. Or link me to some websites with good ideas. The first week of transition is one meal per day of 4oz of lean protein and 2 cups of non-starchy vegetables. In the first week I can't add much to the food in the way of seasonings, but I'll listen to ideas. As the weeks go in for transition I get to add more stuff slowly. It is a 5 week process, and it is important to go slow with it for 2 reasons. 1.) My digestive system has not had much to do for the past 105 days 2.) Putting myself onto the slippery slope of food slowly.
I look forward to hopefully reading some ideas from people that I can incorporate into my diet. One more week of shakes and bars then I start easing back into the real world. I can do it.
-Jon
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
On the road again (day 103)
Key Stats: 4 shakes 1 bar no off eating. 30 minute walk, 30 minute bike ride.
Wow, food food food. Free food, good food, desert food. All for the taking, all things I would have indulged in 104 days ago. All things that I need to learn how to eat like a normal person. But all things I am avoiding for now. I still have too much to learn, and too far to go.
On Thursday I start my appointments with the dietitian. This is really the part I have been looking forward to for awhile. I need to learn food again, and learn from scratch. The biggest part in learning is to know what you don't know. How strange it is to think back to before this program, I would not take an appointment with a dietitian because "I know how to eat, I just don't bother to do it, they have nothing to teach me." With the little bit we have talked about food so far in class I know for sure that I am wrong about that. I really know nothing about how to eat and what things I should eat to feed myself in a healthy way. I have to learn, I have to get good at that- I can do it.
-Jon
Wow, food food food. Free food, good food, desert food. All for the taking, all things I would have indulged in 104 days ago. All things that I need to learn how to eat like a normal person. But all things I am avoiding for now. I still have too much to learn, and too far to go.
On Thursday I start my appointments with the dietitian. This is really the part I have been looking forward to for awhile. I need to learn food again, and learn from scratch. The biggest part in learning is to know what you don't know. How strange it is to think back to before this program, I would not take an appointment with a dietitian because "I know how to eat, I just don't bother to do it, they have nothing to teach me." With the little bit we have talked about food so far in class I know for sure that I am wrong about that. I really know nothing about how to eat and what things I should eat to feed myself in a healthy way. I have to learn, I have to get good at that- I can do it.
-Jon
Monday, May 27, 2013
Memorial Day (day 102)
Key Stats: 4 shakes 1 bar, no off eating. 60 minutes on the bike, and a TON of walking around.
Today is memorial day. I didn't grill out, I didn't do any of the things most people would consider normal memorial day things. I did the same thing we do every memorial day- I spent time with my family and remembered members of my family who are not with us. You see memorial day has taken on a whole new meaning for my family, and since I am also a veteran I get to change the meaning of this holiday if I want to. Confused yet? Well here is a post from another blog I wrote some time ago that explains what I mean. In honor of my family this will be my memorial blog post today.
From "My Story" at http://choosydadschooseskippy.blogspot.com/
I guess it all starts at age 2 for me. That is how old I was when my father left, and that is the start of molding me into the man I have become today. As I look back on it not having a father has made me into the father that I am today.
I met my wife while on leave from the Coast Guard. I was at a friends wedding and she was a guest of another friend of mine. That night started a wonderful relationship, from our first date which was 27 hours long, to our crazy long phone calls, we "hit it off" from the start. That is why after only 5 months of dating, even though I was in Florida and she was in Wisconsin I asked her to marry me. 4 months later we were married.
We decided to wait at least 2 years before we would talk about having children. That way we would have time to just be a couple. After the 2 years we knew we wanted to have kids. It took another year or so to get my wife's diabetes under control enough to start trying. Pregnancy did not come easy. I never missed an appointment with the doctors. There was nothing that I could do to help and I felt it was my duty to be there to hold my wife's hand and make sure she didn't have to go through any of it alone. I swear I could run the ultra-sound machine and measure the follicles myself. With the help of the fertility clinic we did finally get pregnant.
I danced when I saw the positive test. I was so happy, not just because of what it meant for me, but also for what it meant to my wife. We had worked so hard to get pregnant. I had always watched my wife struggle with blaming her body for failing us, and tried everything I could to encourage her, and now her body had worked. We were pregnant.
We conceived four.
Being pregnant with four is not easy, even more so if you are type 1 diabetic. I went minivan shopping. I have a standing agreement with a high school friend that if he ever sees me owning a minivan he is honor bound to shot me on the spot. However four did not last, after a short time we were only pregnant with two. Twins are not normally considered high risk, but with diabetes in the mix we where high risk from the start.
The pregnancy was not easy, my wife had "morning" sickness all day. There was a time when the only food she would eat was Campbell's Chunky Soup Sirloin Burger. One day I went to get more at the store. My heart sank when I got to the aisle and I saw they had none. I was going to go home with no soup for my wife to eat. I think the stock boy might still tell the story of the large man who yelled out "YES, THANK GOD" when I saw he had a case of the soup on his cart. I was not going to go home empty handed.
We made it past 12 weeks, the only thing I knew was that we were ok now.
We went in on a Tuesday morning. I never missed an appointment, or an unplanned trip. My wife had not been feeling good, and found something not normal while using the bathroom. I figured we would get checked out, find out everything was ok and then go home. We did a non-stress test, and then was going to have a quick cervix check. I will always dislike the doctor who did that check. She did nothing wrong, but she told me the worst news I have ever been told.
After that it was up to a hospital room to wait. One day with no infection was the goal. The next morning we had a whole team of doctors and nurses come into the room. I didn't want to get in the way so into the corner I went. After the news that we would likely not be pregnant by the weekend was delivered I could not hold back the tears. I am not sure if my wife cried, but in front of a room of strangers I lost it and broke down. We where 17 weeks pregnant, and my children had no hope of survival. I have never felt weaker.
The day my first-born son and first born daughter, Oscar and Bella, were born changed me forever. I became a softer person that day.
That day I yelled at a doctor, cried my eyes out, made jokes, smiled, and felt my heart melt. How anyone can look at the pictures of my children and not see beautiful human beings I will never be able to understand. Looking back at the pictures has helped me in ways I can never explain. The time I got to spend with my children was so short, but we have memories that will last forever.
The next day I lost the car. I walked the entire parking ramp 3 times, horrified the entire time that my wife was sitting in a wheel chair holding Oscar Bear and Bella Bear waiting for me. She should have been holding our twins.
I don't really remember much of the next few days, weeks, and months. I went back to work too soon, and was worthless at work for quite a while. I remember breaking down on the stairs of our house about a month afterwards, the first time I had really cried since the day Oscar and Bella were born.
After about 4 months we decided to get pregnant again. I wanted to say it was a hard decision, but honestly it was an easy one now that I look back on it. I had gotten to the point were my want to have children here with me on earth was greater than my fear of another loss. I also knew that my fear was never going to be less than it was. To this day pregnancy equals fear, and I think it always will.
We got pregnant on our first cycle of infertility treatments. Again I never missed an appointment.
We conceived twins, twins again.
It was supposed to be only one. My wife bonded to the idea of twins much faster than I did. I have struggled with that possibly more than anything. She had a love for both of them that I just did not have right away. I was certainly excited to be pregnant again but I think I was too scared to bond like she did. That love did come, even if it was after it should have. We nick named the kids Dot and Tittle. Tittle, our little hummingbird, is sneaky though, and early on we lost him. I was scared that we would soon lose Dot.
The pregnancy was not easy again. Trips to the ER, and labor and delivery, while not frequent, happened more than either of us wanted. In the end my fourth child was born, alive, and healthy. He peed on me in his first minutes of life and I could not have been happier.
So here I am today. It has been over 2 years since Oscar and Bella were born and died. This January will be 2 years since Tittle died. We see our children everywhere. From giraffes and hummingbirds to stars and hearts they show themselves to us. My wife and I are active in a grief group where once a month one of us gets to represent the kids everyone else forgets about. We take turns getting the honor of doing that. We talk about our kids, all of them, whenever we get the chance. Every night we read to my son Gus, and tell him "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Oscar loves you, Bella loves you, Tittle loves you, We all love you"
I am the proud father of 4 children. I swore a long time ago that I would be the father I never had. I will never forget about my children (all four of them), or leave my children like my father did.
Jon
-Father of 4: Oscar, Bella, Tittle, and Gus
Today is memorial day. I didn't grill out, I didn't do any of the things most people would consider normal memorial day things. I did the same thing we do every memorial day- I spent time with my family and remembered members of my family who are not with us. You see memorial day has taken on a whole new meaning for my family, and since I am also a veteran I get to change the meaning of this holiday if I want to. Confused yet? Well here is a post from another blog I wrote some time ago that explains what I mean. In honor of my family this will be my memorial blog post today.
From "My Story" at http://choosydadschooseskippy.blogspot.com/
I guess it all starts at age 2 for me. That is how old I was when my father left, and that is the start of molding me into the man I have become today. As I look back on it not having a father has made me into the father that I am today.
I met my wife while on leave from the Coast Guard. I was at a friends wedding and she was a guest of another friend of mine. That night started a wonderful relationship, from our first date which was 27 hours long, to our crazy long phone calls, we "hit it off" from the start. That is why after only 5 months of dating, even though I was in Florida and she was in Wisconsin I asked her to marry me. 4 months later we were married.
We decided to wait at least 2 years before we would talk about having children. That way we would have time to just be a couple. After the 2 years we knew we wanted to have kids. It took another year or so to get my wife's diabetes under control enough to start trying. Pregnancy did not come easy. I never missed an appointment with the doctors. There was nothing that I could do to help and I felt it was my duty to be there to hold my wife's hand and make sure she didn't have to go through any of it alone. I swear I could run the ultra-sound machine and measure the follicles myself. With the help of the fertility clinic we did finally get pregnant.
I danced when I saw the positive test. I was so happy, not just because of what it meant for me, but also for what it meant to my wife. We had worked so hard to get pregnant. I had always watched my wife struggle with blaming her body for failing us, and tried everything I could to encourage her, and now her body had worked. We were pregnant.
We conceived four.
Being pregnant with four is not easy, even more so if you are type 1 diabetic. I went minivan shopping. I have a standing agreement with a high school friend that if he ever sees me owning a minivan he is honor bound to shot me on the spot. However four did not last, after a short time we were only pregnant with two. Twins are not normally considered high risk, but with diabetes in the mix we where high risk from the start.
The pregnancy was not easy, my wife had "morning" sickness all day. There was a time when the only food she would eat was Campbell's Chunky Soup Sirloin Burger. One day I went to get more at the store. My heart sank when I got to the aisle and I saw they had none. I was going to go home with no soup for my wife to eat. I think the stock boy might still tell the story of the large man who yelled out "YES, THANK GOD" when I saw he had a case of the soup on his cart. I was not going to go home empty handed.
We made it past 12 weeks, the only thing I knew was that we were ok now.
We went in on a Tuesday morning. I never missed an appointment, or an unplanned trip. My wife had not been feeling good, and found something not normal while using the bathroom. I figured we would get checked out, find out everything was ok and then go home. We did a non-stress test, and then was going to have a quick cervix check. I will always dislike the doctor who did that check. She did nothing wrong, but she told me the worst news I have ever been told.
After that it was up to a hospital room to wait. One day with no infection was the goal. The next morning we had a whole team of doctors and nurses come into the room. I didn't want to get in the way so into the corner I went. After the news that we would likely not be pregnant by the weekend was delivered I could not hold back the tears. I am not sure if my wife cried, but in front of a room of strangers I lost it and broke down. We where 17 weeks pregnant, and my children had no hope of survival. I have never felt weaker.
The day my first-born son and first born daughter, Oscar and Bella, were born changed me forever. I became a softer person that day.
That day I yelled at a doctor, cried my eyes out, made jokes, smiled, and felt my heart melt. How anyone can look at the pictures of my children and not see beautiful human beings I will never be able to understand. Looking back at the pictures has helped me in ways I can never explain. The time I got to spend with my children was so short, but we have memories that will last forever.
The next day I lost the car. I walked the entire parking ramp 3 times, horrified the entire time that my wife was sitting in a wheel chair holding Oscar Bear and Bella Bear waiting for me. She should have been holding our twins.
I don't really remember much of the next few days, weeks, and months. I went back to work too soon, and was worthless at work for quite a while. I remember breaking down on the stairs of our house about a month afterwards, the first time I had really cried since the day Oscar and Bella were born.
After about 4 months we decided to get pregnant again. I wanted to say it was a hard decision, but honestly it was an easy one now that I look back on it. I had gotten to the point were my want to have children here with me on earth was greater than my fear of another loss. I also knew that my fear was never going to be less than it was. To this day pregnancy equals fear, and I think it always will.
We got pregnant on our first cycle of infertility treatments. Again I never missed an appointment.
We conceived twins, twins again.
It was supposed to be only one. My wife bonded to the idea of twins much faster than I did. I have struggled with that possibly more than anything. She had a love for both of them that I just did not have right away. I was certainly excited to be pregnant again but I think I was too scared to bond like she did. That love did come, even if it was after it should have. We nick named the kids Dot and Tittle. Tittle, our little hummingbird, is sneaky though, and early on we lost him. I was scared that we would soon lose Dot.
The pregnancy was not easy again. Trips to the ER, and labor and delivery, while not frequent, happened more than either of us wanted. In the end my fourth child was born, alive, and healthy. He peed on me in his first minutes of life and I could not have been happier.
So here I am today. It has been over 2 years since Oscar and Bella were born and died. This January will be 2 years since Tittle died. We see our children everywhere. From giraffes and hummingbirds to stars and hearts they show themselves to us. My wife and I are active in a grief group where once a month one of us gets to represent the kids everyone else forgets about. We take turns getting the honor of doing that. We talk about our kids, all of them, whenever we get the chance. Every night we read to my son Gus, and tell him "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Oscar loves you, Bella loves you, Tittle loves you, We all love you"
I am the proud father of 4 children. I swore a long time ago that I would be the father I never had. I will never forget about my children (all four of them), or leave my children like my father did.
Jon
-Father of 4: Oscar, Bella, Tittle, and Gus
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