Key Stats: No BG checks (meter at work), 4 shakes 1 bar 1 cup chicken broth and one sugar free jello jiggler egg (5 cal, no carbs), 30 min on the bike in the morning, 30 min on the elliptical in the evening.
Well I ate off, though really it is food allowed in the program, but none the less it is not just the shakes bars and broth that makes up the core of the program. I am fine with it though and do not feel like I cheated at all.
I also had a great moment because of that egg. It was later in the day when I was listening to my son not take his nap like he was suppose to. I said to myself that I could have another egg since it was so few calories and it fit in the program ok. Then the book I was reading last week chimed and and said to me "Are you hungry" "Why do you want to eat this egg" And you know I looked inside myself from the "normal" eating rules and rated my hunger from 1-10 (1 not hungry at all, 10 SUPER hungry). My hunger at that point was around a 2 so I was not hungry. But then the I answered the why of eating that egg. The answer I came up with was that it was easter, and I had been doing so well on the program, and that I just deserved to have an egg. Again going back to the "normal" eating book I was ready to answer myself on that. Of course I deserved the egg. If I use deserving as a reason to eat I will never not eat. I am a good person, I work hard, I help others, I deserve food. Hell everyone deserves food when they want it. So you just can't use deserve as a reason. So then was I craving an egg, sure I was... but I had to be honest it was even the flavor of egg I really liked. It was peach jello and I don't really like peach jello. So in the end I won out and turned the egg down. This whole thing took place in my mind in just a few seconds but it was great training for when I am on the modified program, or back to eating normal food all of the time. I need situations like this, and I am proud of myself for getting through it. Today proved even more that I can do this.
-Jon
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Where did this come from (day 44)
Key Stats: No BG checks (left meter at work), 4 shakes 1 bar, no off eating. 30 minutes on elliptical and 10 minutes on the bike in the morning, and 30 minutes on the bike in the evening.
Well for the first time that I can remember I had the urge to over eat. I have not felt that tug in a long time. I don't know how else to explain the feeling, it really is just a tug. I wanted to make extra shakes, or have an extra bar, or eat more chicken broth. It is the same feeling I used to get when I would eat a ton of food. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to eat more. Hence the title of the blog, where did this come from?
Here is what it is not. I am not under stress. I was not craving a particular food. I was not hungry. I was not feeling down. I was not tired. I wasn't happy. It happened as I was putting the groceries away. Maybe just looking at all that food and walking around the grocery store triggered my brain to think it was time to eat. I certainly would have given in and eaten in the past. But I didn't. I almost did.
I almost eat cheese I was getting ready for my son and wife for dinner. I almost ate a blob of peanut butter. I almost ate a piece of pizza as I was putting left over pizza away. I almost licked my fingers clean after making food.
I have considered my self a strong person going through this diet. But make no mistakes I am not a strong person when it comes to food. I have worried in the past that my strength would not get me through this and that I would fall off and fall off hard. Today was the closest to that I have come since I started to going off plan. Today was the hard pull I have had to deal with my whole life. Most times I didn't care about the pull and just enjoyed food, but I can't do that moving forward. So I am glad I had to face this, and I am glad I did what I needed to do. If I can face what I had to face today and come out of it being able to be proud of myself I have to believe, and I have to know that I can do this.
-Jon
Well for the first time that I can remember I had the urge to over eat. I have not felt that tug in a long time. I don't know how else to explain the feeling, it really is just a tug. I wanted to make extra shakes, or have an extra bar, or eat more chicken broth. It is the same feeling I used to get when I would eat a ton of food. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to eat more. Hence the title of the blog, where did this come from?
Here is what it is not. I am not under stress. I was not craving a particular food. I was not hungry. I was not feeling down. I was not tired. I wasn't happy. It happened as I was putting the groceries away. Maybe just looking at all that food and walking around the grocery store triggered my brain to think it was time to eat. I certainly would have given in and eaten in the past. But I didn't. I almost did.
I almost eat cheese I was getting ready for my son and wife for dinner. I almost ate a blob of peanut butter. I almost ate a piece of pizza as I was putting left over pizza away. I almost licked my fingers clean after making food.
I have considered my self a strong person going through this diet. But make no mistakes I am not a strong person when it comes to food. I have worried in the past that my strength would not get me through this and that I would fall off and fall off hard. Today was the closest to that I have come since I started to going off plan. Today was the hard pull I have had to deal with my whole life. Most times I didn't care about the pull and just enjoyed food, but I can't do that moving forward. So I am glad I had to face this, and I am glad I did what I needed to do. If I can face what I had to face today and come out of it being able to be proud of myself I have to believe, and I have to know that I can do this.
-Jon
Friday, March 29, 2013
Another 8 (day 43)
Key Stats: All BG's normal, 4 shakes 1 bar, no off eating. No formal exercise
Ok so the key stats part of this is not entirely true, the day is not over yet so I have not had the 4th shake and I still could eat off. But I will have my shake and I will no eat off, so I know it will be true.
Today I went to class again, I have affectionately starting calling it fat camp class. It is easier for other to understand that than to call it VLCD class or what ever the formal name of it is. People just understand fat camp. I got on the body composition analyzer today. Here are the key numbers
Fat Percentage: 26%
Fat Mass 72.2 lb
Muscle Mass: 195.4 lb
Weight: 277.6
First question my wife had was about the 277.6 and why I am not celebrating being below 280, well that is because the official scale said 280.5 and I go with the official scale for those celebrations. So what do these numbers tell us? Well if my muscle mass doesn't go up at all and I go for around 12% body fat (which I think is a fair goal) I will need to drop another 50 or so pounds and land at 220 or so. I think that is obtainable. Now I might end up a bit higher than that as I plan to add in more strength training but instead of having a solid goal weight in mind I am really going to shift my focus to a goal body fat percentage. Of course I have not talked about this with the docs yet, but I think that can work.
Tonight is date night. I am going to do a date night right and make it about me and my wife instead of about the treat. I know I talked about this a few posts ago and tonight is the first time I get to really put the plan into action. I really don't know what will come of it or how to pull this whole thing off but I am a good improviser. Of course that is also why you see no formal exercise in the key stats portion. Tonight is going to be about me and my wife, not about me. I am fine being selfish when I need to, but this one night a week is for us.
I am disappointed in myself, I think I left my "normal" eating book at work. I really wanted to finish it this weekend and now I won't be able to. Unless I make a trip to work to go get it, maybe I will do that. The more I think about what I have read the more I am seeing insight into myself that I never found before. If you are reading this blog on a weight loss journey of your own, or trying to support some one else going through the weight loss journey I can not recommend it highly enough. The book can be found here.
This week I am going to add swimming to my exercise. I was a competitive swimmer when I was 13/14, I was a member of the United State Coast Guard, and water has always been a part of my life. I am looking forward to getting in the pool and getting some good exercise. I know it is going to hurt the first day. I will be using muscle I have not used in a long time. But like I say every day on this blog, I know I can do it.
-Jon
Ok so the key stats part of this is not entirely true, the day is not over yet so I have not had the 4th shake and I still could eat off. But I will have my shake and I will no eat off, so I know it will be true.
Today I went to class again, I have affectionately starting calling it fat camp class. It is easier for other to understand that than to call it VLCD class or what ever the formal name of it is. People just understand fat camp. I got on the body composition analyzer today. Here are the key numbers
Fat Percentage: 26%
Fat Mass 72.2 lb
Muscle Mass: 195.4 lb
Weight: 277.6
First question my wife had was about the 277.6 and why I am not celebrating being below 280, well that is because the official scale said 280.5 and I go with the official scale for those celebrations. So what do these numbers tell us? Well if my muscle mass doesn't go up at all and I go for around 12% body fat (which I think is a fair goal) I will need to drop another 50 or so pounds and land at 220 or so. I think that is obtainable. Now I might end up a bit higher than that as I plan to add in more strength training but instead of having a solid goal weight in mind I am really going to shift my focus to a goal body fat percentage. Of course I have not talked about this with the docs yet, but I think that can work.
Tonight is date night. I am going to do a date night right and make it about me and my wife instead of about the treat. I know I talked about this a few posts ago and tonight is the first time I get to really put the plan into action. I really don't know what will come of it or how to pull this whole thing off but I am a good improviser. Of course that is also why you see no formal exercise in the key stats portion. Tonight is going to be about me and my wife, not about me. I am fine being selfish when I need to, but this one night a week is for us.
I am disappointed in myself, I think I left my "normal" eating book at work. I really wanted to finish it this weekend and now I won't be able to. Unless I make a trip to work to go get it, maybe I will do that. The more I think about what I have read the more I am seeing insight into myself that I never found before. If you are reading this blog on a weight loss journey of your own, or trying to support some one else going through the weight loss journey I can not recommend it highly enough. The book can be found here.
This week I am going to add swimming to my exercise. I was a competitive swimmer when I was 13/14, I was a member of the United State Coast Guard, and water has always been a part of my life. I am looking forward to getting in the pool and getting some good exercise. I know it is going to hurt the first day. I will be using muscle I have not used in a long time. But like I say every day on this blog, I know I can do it.
-Jon
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Figuring me out (day 41 and 42)
Key Stats: All BG's normal. 4 shakes 1 bar each day, no off eating. No formal exercise.
So I feel kind of bad about the amount of time I have written only every other day lately. I'll give the excuse that is was because I was on the road and wore out and hope you accept that. This week has been really hard on me. It is deployment time for a radio system I help design and I was onsite making sure it all went smoothly. That meant getting on the road most mornings by 4:30 AM, and not getting back to the hotel until nearly 7 PM. This killed my energy to self reflect, and my energy to write. I plan to get back on program with that starting tomorrow. Though I don't think I will be exercising tomorrow morning since I won't get home until nearly 11, but maybe I will.
As I have been traveling today I have been reading the book The Rules of "Normal" Eating. The book has rang true for me in a number of places, but it is off in one way that keeps standing out to me. The author keeps talking about people feeling bad about themselves or having poor self image when they were over weight. She (the author) using those bad feelings as something you have to turn around in order to become a "normal" eater. What doesn't work so well for me though is that I don't remember feeling bad about how I looked. I was never depressed about being over weight, and honestly when I looked in the mirror I didn't see the fat person I was in the mirror I would just see me with no thought to that. Have I just blocked out how I felt? I never liked looking at pictures of myself because I would then notice how fat I was, so maybe that was how I blocked it. But I was and am a happy person. A jolly fat man if you will. Is there depression I hid my being the jolly fat man? Did I spin a lie for myself so well that I just didn't let myself feel depression? Do you have to be depressed to be an emotional eater?
I certainly am a emotional eater. I told the head shrink when I started this program that I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad, I eat when stressed, I eat when relaxed. I use an feeling as an excuse to eat. I am assuming that was because I used the food as a way to feel happier. What mode doesn't need a bit of happiness added in? I am at a bit of a loss because all of the ways the author describes people eating to deal with depression match ways I would eat. I would get an entire tube of cinnamon roles cook them and eat them as fast as I could. She described nearly that same thing as a way to say if you make the food disappear quickly you are making your feelings disappear quickly. This is why I write this blog. I think I found my answer as I was fixing a bunch of spelling mistakes. I didn't eat because I was depressed, I have gone through grief certainly (you can read about the grief I have been through at another blog I have written but have not written on in awhile at choosydadschooseskippy) but I was never depressed. No the feeling I was trying to put away was a feeling of inadequacy. I think I need to find out were that is coming from and deal with that in order to get healthy.
So back onto the jolly fat man thing. I have used self deprecating humor for such a long time, specifically joking about being a jolly fat man that I am honestly a bit worried about what I will do when I get to a healthier weight. I know that is probably not a normal thing to be worried about, but I really am. I learned to make the fat joke before anyone else could was a way to make sure no one ever hurt me. I hate that this still sticks out in my mind but I can clearly remember from 4th grade when I was first called Jonafat (instead of Jonathon or Jona"thin" if you will). 4th grade and I can still tell you were I was standing in the room and were the two people who said it to me were standing. I can damn near tell you what they where wearing. Why shit like that stays with me I have no idea. But there it is.
Well enough hard stuff to write for the night. I am going to go back to the book and keep reading. I think I'll have to read it again and replace depression with inadequacy and maybe get more out of it. I like that the book tells me to do something I have already started, to celebrate accomplishments no matter how small, and to keep a positive attitude. Well, the end of my hell month of being on the road is over. I have not once eaten off the program on the road, or in the 42 days I have been on the program. I look better than I have looked in a long time, my clothes are super loose on me, my ring has been sized down 3.5 sizes and is starting to get loose again, I feel good, I am noticing the changes in my body, and you know what I can do this.
-Jon
So I feel kind of bad about the amount of time I have written only every other day lately. I'll give the excuse that is was because I was on the road and wore out and hope you accept that. This week has been really hard on me. It is deployment time for a radio system I help design and I was onsite making sure it all went smoothly. That meant getting on the road most mornings by 4:30 AM, and not getting back to the hotel until nearly 7 PM. This killed my energy to self reflect, and my energy to write. I plan to get back on program with that starting tomorrow. Though I don't think I will be exercising tomorrow morning since I won't get home until nearly 11, but maybe I will.
As I have been traveling today I have been reading the book The Rules of "Normal" Eating. The book has rang true for me in a number of places, but it is off in one way that keeps standing out to me. The author keeps talking about people feeling bad about themselves or having poor self image when they were over weight. She (the author) using those bad feelings as something you have to turn around in order to become a "normal" eater. What doesn't work so well for me though is that I don't remember feeling bad about how I looked. I was never depressed about being over weight, and honestly when I looked in the mirror I didn't see the fat person I was in the mirror I would just see me with no thought to that. Have I just blocked out how I felt? I never liked looking at pictures of myself because I would then notice how fat I was, so maybe that was how I blocked it. But I was and am a happy person. A jolly fat man if you will. Is there depression I hid my being the jolly fat man? Did I spin a lie for myself so well that I just didn't let myself feel depression? Do you have to be depressed to be an emotional eater?
I certainly am a emotional eater. I told the head shrink when I started this program that I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad, I eat when stressed, I eat when relaxed. I use an feeling as an excuse to eat. I am assuming that was because I used the food as a way to feel happier. What mode doesn't need a bit of happiness added in? I am at a bit of a loss because all of the ways the author describes people eating to deal with depression match ways I would eat. I would get an entire tube of cinnamon roles cook them and eat them as fast as I could. She described nearly that same thing as a way to say if you make the food disappear quickly you are making your feelings disappear quickly. This is why I write this blog. I think I found my answer as I was fixing a bunch of spelling mistakes. I didn't eat because I was depressed, I have gone through grief certainly (you can read about the grief I have been through at another blog I have written but have not written on in awhile at choosydadschooseskippy) but I was never depressed. No the feeling I was trying to put away was a feeling of inadequacy. I think I need to find out were that is coming from and deal with that in order to get healthy.
So back onto the jolly fat man thing. I have used self deprecating humor for such a long time, specifically joking about being a jolly fat man that I am honestly a bit worried about what I will do when I get to a healthier weight. I know that is probably not a normal thing to be worried about, but I really am. I learned to make the fat joke before anyone else could was a way to make sure no one ever hurt me. I hate that this still sticks out in my mind but I can clearly remember from 4th grade when I was first called Jonafat (instead of Jonathon or Jona"thin" if you will). 4th grade and I can still tell you were I was standing in the room and were the two people who said it to me were standing. I can damn near tell you what they where wearing. Why shit like that stays with me I have no idea. But there it is.
Well enough hard stuff to write for the night. I am going to go back to the book and keep reading. I think I'll have to read it again and replace depression with inadequacy and maybe get more out of it. I like that the book tells me to do something I have already started, to celebrate accomplishments no matter how small, and to keep a positive attitude. Well, the end of my hell month of being on the road is over. I have not once eaten off the program on the road, or in the 42 days I have been on the program. I look better than I have looked in a long time, my clothes are super loose on me, my ring has been sized down 3.5 sizes and is starting to get loose again, I feel good, I am noticing the changes in my body, and you know what I can do this.
-Jon
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Noticing A change in my face (day 39 and 40)
Key Stats: All normal BG's, 4 shakes 1 bar both days, no formal exercise.
Being on the road for the third week this month is hard. Plus this week I am averaging 14 hours each day. I am way down on total sleep, but happy to report I am on program and doing what I need to do. There is a buffet place right next to my hotel. I would normally have eaten at that place at least once, and ordered a pizza at least once. Instead I have kept to my shakes and bars. I am proud of myself.
While on the road I have been chatting with my son on video chat. I noticed that I looked much skinnier than even 3 weeks ago when I video chatted with him last. I also really noticed it the mirror today. I love when other people notice, but I really really love noticing it myself.
If I trust what my exercise and calorie tracker tells me I will be under 260 in 5 weeks. Not sure if I can trust it, but I hope it is true. I am doing what I need to do, and I will take the results as they came. I know I can do this.
-Jon
Being on the road for the third week this month is hard. Plus this week I am averaging 14 hours each day. I am way down on total sleep, but happy to report I am on program and doing what I need to do. There is a buffet place right next to my hotel. I would normally have eaten at that place at least once, and ordered a pizza at least once. Instead I have kept to my shakes and bars. I am proud of myself.
While on the road I have been chatting with my son on video chat. I noticed that I looked much skinnier than even 3 weeks ago when I video chatted with him last. I also really noticed it the mirror today. I love when other people notice, but I really really love noticing it myself.
If I trust what my exercise and calorie tracker tells me I will be under 260 in 5 weeks. Not sure if I can trust it, but I hope it is true. I am doing what I need to do, and I will take the results as they came. I know I can do this.
-Jon
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Sitting at the airport (day 38)
Key Stats: BG's all normal. 4 shakes 1 bar, no off eating. RUNNING through the airport to hit a connection as my exercise.
Well I tried. I ran. From Gate F11 to gate C27. I made it just in time to watch the plane be pushed back. Awesome. But the thing is I ran the whole way. I have not ran that far since boot camp. I would not have been able to do that 38 days ago.
Of course I am feeling it now. I had to find an alternate route to get to my meeeting at 8 AM tomorrow morning. I am going to only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. The more I look at this trip the more it is sounding like boot camp. No sleep, lots of running. I should just set my laptop down and do some pushups right now to make it authentic.
Food was easy, and is being easy to avoid. The pretzel place still cries my name out when I walk past it, but I don't have to think about not eating it, I just know I am not going to.
Sorry for the short post today, it is not all that easy to write in the airport with all the announcements. I hope to get home a bit early from this trip and maybe even still make it to class this week. My hopes are a bit low though. This trip is not off to a good start. Either way I'll be back to class the week after.
I can do this.
-Jon
Well I tried. I ran. From Gate F11 to gate C27. I made it just in time to watch the plane be pushed back. Awesome. But the thing is I ran the whole way. I have not ran that far since boot camp. I would not have been able to do that 38 days ago.
Of course I am feeling it now. I had to find an alternate route to get to my meeeting at 8 AM tomorrow morning. I am going to only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. The more I look at this trip the more it is sounding like boot camp. No sleep, lots of running. I should just set my laptop down and do some pushups right now to make it authentic.
Food was easy, and is being easy to avoid. The pretzel place still cries my name out when I walk past it, but I don't have to think about not eating it, I just know I am not going to.
Sorry for the short post today, it is not all that easy to write in the airport with all the announcements. I hope to get home a bit early from this trip and maybe even still make it to class this week. My hopes are a bit low though. This trip is not off to a good start. Either way I'll be back to class the week after.
I can do this.
-Jon
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Triggers (day 37)
Key Stats: Normal BG's, 4 shakes 1 bar, no off eating. No exercise today again.
First off about the no exercise, I woke up feeling like crap today. I think the stomach bug that has been going around hit me. Thankfully it did not last long, and I am on the mend.
A new dairy queen is open by my house. I remember seeing it being built before I was thinking about lossing weight. I thought it was awesome that one was opening near by. Here are a list of things I like at diary queen.
1.) Blizzards
2.) Ice Cream cake
3.) Those crappy little hotdogs they sell
4.) The super crispy french fries
5.) Ice cream cake
6.) Orange Julius stuff
7.) Ice cream cake
So when I saw it was open I thought how nice it will be to be able to get blizzards on date night, and get ice cream cake for my birthday. Which made me think about how I won't be having ice cream cake, or any cake on my birthday. And it also occured to me that date night for me became more about the treat we were going to have than it was about a nice night together with my wife. That makes me sad. We started our date night to make sure we took time to be together, and took time to just be a couple rather than parents. I let my food issue take over what it was suppose to be, and let it become about food and treats. With my travel schedule, and being devoted to writing this blog and exercising we really have not taken time to have a good date night in awhile. I am going to make a point of having a great date night the next time we can. Since I won't be spending money on food for the date night maybe we can afford a baby sitter to go see a movie. The movie will be much cheaper since I won't be getting pretzel bites with cheese, and a HUGE soda and eating half of my wife's popcorn. After I finish writing this blog I am going to go over kiss my wife and apologize she deserves better than what I have been giving her. I should have never let food or treats be the driver in our time together. It is a good thing I am working on getting healthy, I deserve it, my son deserves it, and my wife deserves it. I can do this.
-Jon
First off about the no exercise, I woke up feeling like crap today. I think the stomach bug that has been going around hit me. Thankfully it did not last long, and I am on the mend.
A new dairy queen is open by my house. I remember seeing it being built before I was thinking about lossing weight. I thought it was awesome that one was opening near by. Here are a list of things I like at diary queen.
1.) Blizzards
2.) Ice Cream cake
3.) Those crappy little hotdogs they sell
4.) The super crispy french fries
5.) Ice cream cake
6.) Orange Julius stuff
7.) Ice cream cake
So when I saw it was open I thought how nice it will be to be able to get blizzards on date night, and get ice cream cake for my birthday. Which made me think about how I won't be having ice cream cake, or any cake on my birthday. And it also occured to me that date night for me became more about the treat we were going to have than it was about a nice night together with my wife. That makes me sad. We started our date night to make sure we took time to be together, and took time to just be a couple rather than parents. I let my food issue take over what it was suppose to be, and let it become about food and treats. With my travel schedule, and being devoted to writing this blog and exercising we really have not taken time to have a good date night in awhile. I am going to make a point of having a great date night the next time we can. Since I won't be spending money on food for the date night maybe we can afford a baby sitter to go see a movie. The movie will be much cheaper since I won't be getting pretzel bites with cheese, and a HUGE soda and eating half of my wife's popcorn. After I finish writing this blog I am going to go over kiss my wife and apologize she deserves better than what I have been giving her. I should have never let food or treats be the driver in our time together. It is a good thing I am working on getting healthy, I deserve it, my son deserves it, and my wife deserves it. I can do this.
-Jon
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